Realization
by inmyarms57
Summary: It had surprised him, the sadness, the grief he told her. He hadn’t known that he even cared the slightest bit but when the call came, he felt it and she just sat there with him, holding him.
1. Chapter 1

_"When you hold resentment toward another,  
you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel.  
Foregivenss is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."  
~ Catherine Ponder_

She watched a tear roll down his cheek, wondering when she had last seen him cry. She looked away when he brushed the offending cheek with his hand not wanting to see the tears in his eyes for then she too would be crying. It wouldn't be for the man laid out before them, but for the one that stood beside her with his hand clutched tightly in hers.

It had surprised him, the sadness, the grief he told her. He hadn't known that he even cared the slightest bit but when the call came, he felt it and she just sat there with him, holding him.

There weren't any words. No talk of memories nor what could have been. Just silence and the ticking clock.

He didn't utter a word the next day. He kissed her cheek like he did every morning, dressed Sawyer for school and bundled her up before waving goodbye and taking her to school. She didn't question any of it. She just took it as him being him and went about her own day.

She took part in conference calls with LA. Called Haley back in Tree Hill to discuss the latest band they signed. Started a sketch of Sawyer and Lucas when her mind started to drift to them. Talked to Brooke about her up coming wedding to Julian and drove to Sawyer's elementary school to pick her up.

She followed her routine and she never once let herself believe he hadn't either.

At least not until she pulled into the driveway of their modest home just outside Boston and found him sitting on the steps, his head held in his hands.

And she knew then that it mattered more than he lead on.

"Baby, go play in the backyard." She said after letting Sawyer out of the car. Watching as she ran around the side of the house, Peyton made her way to her husband and slowly lowered herself down beside him.

They sat there in silence. His head in his hands, hers clasped before her, waiting for him to speak.

"I shouldn't feel this way." He mumbled. "He never wanted me and I shouldn't feel this way."

"I know." She whispered.

"What am I supposed to do with it? This feeling?" He asked as he lifted his head, his hand slipping into hers seeking the comfort she could only give him.

And she didn't have an answer. She just simply leaned her head on his shoulder and let the quiet of the evening wash over them.

* * *

The clock ticked softly and the muffled sound of cartoons drifted down the hall to the kitchen. Peyton leaned against the counter, watching him pulling ingredients from the refrigerator and placing them on the counter, preparing for dinner. Every so often, he'd glance over his shoulder and smile at her.

And she'd in turn blush. It was their thing. She'd watch and he'd cook. A few times she'd step in and help but she liked it this way and he never minded. He was taking care of her, protecting her.

Protecting them.

"Maybe we should go." She's says, breaking the silence.

"Maybe."

"Luke…" It's a whispered plea and an unspoken scolding that has him cringing.

"I don't want him to have meant something. I don't want to feel this and I don't…"

Her arms slip around his waist from behind. Her chin settling on the curve of his neck and she brushes her lips against his exposed skin just as he grips hers arms in his.

It's comforting and it's safe and he doesn't want it to end.

"I know." She whispers.

They stay that way. She with her arms around him and he leaning back against her with the muffled sound of their daughter laughing in the background.

"Maybe we should." He whispers as he turns in her arms, his arms falling around her waist.

"We don't have to."

"I know but maybe we should."

She smiles, leans forward and brushes her lips against his. "I love you."

And he whispers against her lips "Love you too."

"Gross!"

Peyton pulls away with a laugh, reaching for Sawyer and swings her tiny frame into her arms.

"Mommy!" She shrieks. Her head falling back as Peyton attacks her side, tickling her.

And he stands there, arms folded over his chest, smiling at his family and thinking that maybe, just maybe he didn't need to go back.

* * *

He had every intention of not answering the phone. But with the constant ringing of the house phone and then his cell, had him answering and wishing he had just ignored it.

Haley begged him. Told him, they should come home, just to find closure to the past.

He mumbled maybe…no…maybe and she just sighed and whispered, think about it.

He really didn't know what to do but he didn't want to feel this way and he didn't want to feel anything for the man who never really claimed him as his son.

Nathan got on the phone and he said the opposite, which he knew wasn't what Haley wanted him to say. And he just smiled. His brother knew how he felt and yet he felt sorry for Nathan, for he lost the father he thought he knew as a child and the man he turned out to be.

He listened. Took each word and let them play in his head. He took his emotions and pushed them aside and thought of the man who had raised him and what he would have done.

"We'll be there."

And silence filled the phone and Peyton smiled from her spot on the couch and mouthed _love you_ and he smiled in return.

Maybe going home wouldn't be such a bad thing, he thought as he watched Peyton curl against the couch, their daughter tucked at her side.

He heard Haley cry and he asked what was wrong. She just whispered that she missed him. She missed them and it was all too much.

He chuckled, told her she cared far too much and they'd see them soon.

And he wondered again, for a moment, if he was going home for all the right reasons.

And why he felt this way when his father never did.

* * *

"Finally." She said as she crawled across the bed to lay beside him.

Lucas laughed as he engulfed her in his arms and pulled her down beside him.

"She out?" he asked, his finger idly tracing her bare arm.

"Yeah after two stories and one song." She said tiredly. Her head falling to his shoulder. Her eyes closing.

Sighing, he pulled her tightly against him. His eyes fluttering shut when he felt her warm breathe against his skin. This was heaven. His heaven, he thought.

"Luke." She whispered. Her hand lifting and coming to rest against his cheek.

"Yeah?" He mumbled softly. His eyes remaining closed. His hand tenderly rubbing her arm.

"Luke." She whispered again and gently turned his face towards her.

And his eyes fluttered open. His breath catching from just the look in her green eyes, "Can't a man sleep?" He whispered teasingly. His own hand lifting to caress her cheek.

She laughed and leaned in, brushing her lips against his. "Maybe. But," She whispered as she leaned back slightly in his arms. Meeting his gaze. "Are you sure that you want to do this? I mean we really don't have to go and I don't want you to think that I pressured you intoit. It's just that I don't…"

Pressing a finger to her lips, he smiled softly before pulling her back against him. His chin resting on the top of her golden crown. "I'm sure. Maybe I need this. Maybe it's the closure I need to let it all go."

"We've been gone a long time." She whispered.

He nodded in the dark. His eyes closing. "We have."

"She's going to ask us to stay you know that right." She said. Her eyes drifting close. Her voice low.

"I know." He said softly, his eyes opening slowly. Staring at the ceiling.

"Luke?" She said softly.

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

And he pulled her tighter against him as he whispered softly, "I love you too, Peyton."

* * *

"Daddy?" Sawyer asked. Her small hands resting on his broad shoulders as he helped her step into her shoes. White sneakers with Disney Princess's on the side and each time she put her foot down, red lights flickered on the bottom.

"Yeah Princess?"

"Where are we going?"

Standing to his full height, he looked down at his five year old daughter. Her large green eyes staring back at him and sighed. "We're going to where mommy and I grew up. Where you were born." He said tapping her upturned nose with a smile.

Her eyes squinted. Her head tilted to the side as her long blonde hair tumbled across her shoulder. "You were little? Like me?"

With a laugh, he ruffled her hair and gently turned her around and lead her from her room. "Yeah we were little once."

"Did you like mommy when you were little like me?"

"I didn't know your mommy when I was your age."

Sawyer stopped, turned, her eyes wide. "You didn't like mommy?"

Where did she come up with this stuff? He thought. "Baby, I didn't say I didn't like mommy I said I didn't know your mommy until we were older. And don't worry, I've always liked your mommy."

"Good." She said turning and running down the hall towards their bedroom. Leaving him there shaking his head as he trailed behind, her voice echoing down the hall as she exclaimed in a small voice to Peyton, not to worry cause her Daddy liked her.

Peyton's laughter filtered through the air and he couldn't help the smile that crossed his lips as he walked into the room.

"Glad to know you like me." Peyton said with a smile. Sawyer wrapped in her arms and a half packed suitcase laid opened before her on their bed.

And he laughed, earning a frown from Sawyer.

"Daddy, don't laugh at Mommy. It's not nice." Sawyer said. Her tone serious as a five year old could be. Her small arms crossed over her chest as she rested in Peyton's arms. Her own face buried in her daughter's curls. Trying not to laugh.

"Yeah, Daddy." Peyton whispered. "It's not nice."

Clearing his throat, Lucas stepped forward and placed his hands on Peyton's waist. His voice low as he leaned forward. His nose gently brushing Sawyer's, causing her to giggle.

"Your too cute for your own good, Princess Sawyer." He whispered as her tiny arms slipped around his neck and his own wrapped around them both. Holding them close and his eyes closed, relishing in the feeling of utter contentment that washed over him.

Pressing a kiss to his cheek, Peyton leaned back. Her hand lifting to caress his cheek. His eyes fluttering open and meeting hers. "Is she packed?"

"Yeah." He whispered softly before taking Sawyer from Peyton's arms and standing her on her feet. His hands resting on her small shoulders. "All packed."

With a smile and a wink Sawyer's way, Peyton turned back to the half packed bag before her, a frown on her lips and mumbled softly, "Well we're almost there."

"Maybe it's a sign." Lucas said softly. His fingers gently combing through Sawyers curls. His blue eyes staring at the pile of clothes waiting to be packed.

"Luke…" Peyton drawled out as she turned to her husband. Her head titling to the side, blonde locks falling across her shoulder. "If you don't want to…"

Shaking his head, Lucas faintly smiled. "No I…we should. It's just…"

"I know." She whispered softly. Her green eyes watching him fight the battle within and sighed. "Babe just say the word and I'll call Haley and…"

"Daddy?" Sawyer interrupted. Her small hands tugging on Lucas's hands. Her head titling back. Her eyes wide.

"Yeah sweetie?" He whispered. His own eyes meeting hers.

"I want to see Aunt Haley."

With a shake of his head, he bent down and pressed a kiss to her forehead. Slowly lifting his head, he lifted his gaze to Peyton's and softly whispered, "I guess were going home."


	2. Chapter 2

_All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.  
~Havelock Ellis_

He watched her from across the room. Following her every movement as she was pulled around Haley and Nathan's living room by their daughter, stopping every now and then to point out a picture and explain, in her childish ways, what it was about, well he wondered if they had done the right thing. Coming here to say goodbye to man he barely knew; a man who denied him all his life. He questioned it. At every stop, every hotel he wanted to turn the car around but than he catch her eye and he knew with her beside him he could face the past. So he pressed on.

But watching her now, he wondered.

Haley had cried. Sobbed as she stepped into his embrace, whispering words of _sorry_ and _missed you_ and he could only nod his head and wonder if they should have stayed home. But when he caught his brother's eye, saw the same torment he carried in his eyes but there was also redness there and in that moment he wanted to feel. He wanted to cry for the man who never claimed him but the tears never came.

And he wondered if he had ever cared at all.

He watched her as she tenderly ran her fingers through Sawyer's unruly hair, listening intently to something she said. Her tiny hands moving with each word she spoke until Peyton clasped them between her own, stilling her action before bending and gently kissing her upturned nose, causing the little girl to giggle and he wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around them both and protect them forever.

To love them forever.

The corners of his mouth turned upward when she glanced back his way with a wink. She was everything, all that mattered and that little girl, with her arms wrapped around her neck, they were his entire world.

Not the man who never wanted him.

Not the man whose blood ran through him but the two who were making their way towards him with matching smiles. They were all that mattered.

With a shake of his head, he met them half way, his arms sneaking around her slender waist pulling her close, their daughter pressed between them and her soft whispered words of love ringing in his head.

_They're everything_, he thought his eyes closing at the feel of Sawyer's arms wrapping around his neck and softly whispered as she brushed a wet kiss to his cheek. His eyes opening with a flutter and catching Peyton's, "You're my everything."

Peyton leaned back in his arms, a smile on her face and lifted a hand to his cheek, gently caressing her thumb against his skin, "I love you."

He can't help but smile a little wider, lean forward and capture her lips with his. He loved her beyond words and the simple knowledge of that made everything else seem less important.

Made those unexplainable feelings seem not so overwhelming.

"Daddy!" Sawyer cried out. Her hands pushing against his face, breaking her parents kiss. Her green eyes narrowing as she furrowed her brow at him and he couldn't help but smile as she pressed a hand over his mouth. "Gross!"

Laughing, Peyton pulled Sawyer from Lucas's arms and spun her around, her giggles floating through the air with a cry of "Momma!" filling the room.

_Yeah, they were everything_. He thought with a smile.

* * *

She stood by the door, a smile on her face watching as he read to their daughter. His voice low and full of love and she felt herself falling a little more in love with him.

With them.

It was their bedtime ritual, she'd ready Sawyer. Brush her teeth and tame her unruly curls as Sawyer retell her of her day with all the enthusiasm of a five year old. Her hands moving, creating moments from her day and Peyton would add a _really _or _hmm _in for good measure.

All with a smile on her face amazed that the little girl before her was hers created out of a love that had her, at times, wondering if she was living in a dream.

But then Lucas would press a kiss to her forehead, scoop Sawyer up in his arms, whisper he loved her and lovingly lay down beside their daughter, book in hand, ready to create a world of make believe with his words. It was then she knew it was for real and all those childhood fears she once had, didn't matter anymore.

"He's a good Dad," Haley said, coming to stand next to Peyton.

"The best." She replied. Her gaze never leaving the pair that laid out on the spare bed in Jaime's room.

"I'm sorry."

Arching a brow, Peyton glanced at Haley. "For what?" She asked.

"For pressuring him, for making him believe he needed to come back and say goodbye. I know he…"

"Hales," Peyton said, interrupting her rant with a touch of her arm, causing the brunette to meet her emerald gaze. "You did nothing. It's been tormenting him since Karen called. The emotions, they've been…he needed to do this. He _needs _to do this."

Nodding her head, Haley looked back at the blonde duo, a faint smile on her face, "He was always stubborn."

Laughing, Peyton slipped an arm through Haley's and pulled her to her side. Her head resting against Haley's, "He's Lucas. He just needs a shove before he really sees what he needs. What he really wants but won't say he needs."

Silence fell over the two long time friends as they stood watching Lucas read to Sawyer.

"I'm glad he has you. That he realized who he really needed by his side in his life." Haley whispered, breaking the silence that had settled over them. The only sound heard was Lucas's faint words as he read to Sawyer. "You've always been good for him, Peyton. You're the one who helped make him the man he is today. I don't think anyone else could have done that."

Turning slightly, Peyton threw her arms around Haley, startling the young mother. "What…"

"Thank you." She whispered as she pulled back, her eyes shimmering with tears. "He's my everything. He and Sawyer and for you…"

Shaking her head, Haley pulled Peyton into a hug, her own eyes misty with tears, "I'm glad it was it you." Pulling away, a faint smile on her lips Haley took a step back and gently squeezed Peyton's hand. "I'm glad Dan never got his hands on him because I…thank you for loving him."

"I wouldn't want it any other way." He said softly, his arms wrapping around Peyton's waist and pulling her back against his chest, startling her.

"Luke!" She cried a hand flying to her chest, the other gripping the arm around his waist. "You scared me!"

Laughing, Haley shook her head and backed away from the blonde pair. "I'm going to leave you two alone and Peyton," She said pausing outside the master bedroom before disappearing behind its closed door. "I am really glad it was always you that he needed."

"Me too." Peyton whispered in return.

"What was that all about?" Lucas asked as he slowly walked them across the hall to the guest room, his head on her shoulder, his arms wrapped around her waist.

"Nothing," She whispered, her eyes fluttering shut at the feel of his warm breath against her skin as he moved them further into the room, the clicking of the door shutting behind them.

"Really?" He asked as he pressed light kisses against her neck, a smile formed on his lips when he felt her shiver in his arms. "I could have sworn I heard something about Haley thanking you for loving me."

Laughing, Peyton turned in his arms, her own wrapping around his neck as she gently pulled him closer and resting her forehead against his, "That would be all you would hear, wouldn't it?" She whispered, her eyes fluttering shut.

"Yeah," He replied huskily. Lifting a hand to her face, he gently caressed the curve of her cheek as his mouth curved upward at the soft sigh that escaped her lips and slowly lowered his lips to hers, whispering as he went, "I just keep you around to feed my ego."

Her eyes shot open, twinkling bright with mirth and he couldn't help but laugh against her lips as his hand gently pressed against the base of her neck, holding her close.

"Luke," She whispered softly as she pulled away slightly. Her hands tenderly running through his blonde hair, her eyes narrowing slightly, "If I had known that…"

He pressed his lips against hers, drowning her words and gently lowered her to the bed before lowering himself over her and loosing himself in the feeling of her, _them_.

This was all that mattered. Nothing else. Neither the pain he carried around nor the ache he felt for the boy he once was, mattered; it was this feeling and this moment and her and the little girl across the hall.

And when her hand caressed his cheek and her eyes held that look of adoration just for him, he felt the tears he had been holding bay, fall.

* * *

She laid there watching him sleep or at least pretend to sleep. She had felt him stir beside hours before and she just laid there, her eyes opening when she felt the bed shift with his movement.

He had tossed and turned through out the night, only becoming calm when she curled against his side, her head resting against his shoulder. He had simply laid there, his arms wrapped around her, holding her close and she let the rhythmic beat of his heart, lull her back to sleep.

Sighing, she lifted a hand to his face, her finger tips gently tracing it's contours before coming to rest against his lips.

"I'm awake you know." He mumbled softly, his eyes never opening.

"I know." She whispered softly before running her thumb across his lips once more, another sigh escaping her lips. "We should talk about it."

"Maybe."

"Luke…" There it was that plea she'd get in her voice, that sound that had him feeling like a child being scolded.

"Peyton." He whined, his eyes opening and staring up at the ceiling. "I don't…"

"Luke." She said sternly and lifting herself from his side, her gaze on him as she watched him struggle with his emotions. "Honey, it's okay to…"

"He doesn't mean anything. He can't." He said, turning to face her. His hand lifting to cup her cheek as his eyes searched hers for answers she didn't have. "Right?"


	3. Author Note

Sorry it has taken a while on updating "Fairy Tales Fade", "Starting Over" and "Realization." My computer got hit with a virus and I have been slowly recovering written chapters for each. I lost the entire next chapter for FTF and I will admit I became frustrated and stopped writing. It was only just recently that my muse had made an appearance once again, which lead to the "Hand to Hold.".

I am hoping that I can write the next chapters to the stories I started and finish them for I hate starting something and not finishing. So please bear with me as I _try_ and get new chapters out.


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